Rosanne's Site

I'm a bit shocked to see how long it has been since I wrote anything,  More than 2 months to be exact but here I am, alive and feeling so much better than I have in a very long time.

I've got to be really quick with this as I am delivering a dog back to his Mum in 15 minutes!  First up is the enormous project of the moment - Chatelaine Ostsee Mandala.  I've done a bit more on this but it's been impossible to settle and work on this recently.  Perhaps its the size or more likely, I keep getting distracted.  Slowly, it is getting finished.  Very slowly.

Here is Ink Circles Dutch Beast finished!  The last third of the design absolutely flew together and it was actually finished last week.  I just wanted to wait till the Sunday update to tell everyone!

I'm still resisting the temptation to start anything new (well large and new) and finishing older projects in preference.  There are two project cantering towards completion and I hope to have a progress update this coming weekend.

Apart from my stitching, I'm taking part in another Quilt-along - 200+ of us around the world are making the same quilt at pretty much the same time. It's Denyse Schmidt's Single Girl.  Mum bought me the background fabric and pattern as a Christmas present and I've cut out treats to get the remaining fabrics.  I just have to order the remaining 7 fabrics from the USA and will be paying over the next few weeks.  Its only $20 but money is tight. The background fabric and the first 6 fabrics are here  The fabrics are all Jennifer Paganelli for Free Spirit and most are from the So St Croix collection.

That's about it and the only practical and interesting things that are happening here so I'm signing off for now

I've actually already finished 4 small designs this year.  They are all from Ink Circles Halloween Beasties or not.   All are on SMF Circus 28ct lugana with Carrie's Creations threads.  Eventually, they will be finished in the same was as the Christmas Beasties.  The photo does show the fabric colours pretty accurately.  I had to wait for a bright day so I could photograph without using the camera flash.  It was worth the wait!

OK, this time last year, I will admit I was suicidally depressed and I could not see any way forward.  There was nothing left for me - the only thing that kept me going was Phoebe as she would have really suffered if I'd topped myself.  It was the culmination of a lot of factors - constant exhaustion and pain, my inability to cope with any kind of request, constantly letting people down, severe money worries and the Damocles's sword of the Disability Benefit Claim all driving me down.

Finally I was marched off to the doctor and made to tell how bad things were just before Xmas.  I saw a man who referred me to the psychiatrist. I then hit rock bottom and didn't know where to turn.  Luckily I have my friends and my Mum who again frogmarched me back to the same doctor who lit a rocket under the Mental Health Team.

I finally saw an excellent psychiatrist at the end of February. She was appalled with what had been happening and put in place better medication and regular reviews.  She also referred me for a treatment course called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy,  This has proved the real turning point pf the year because it taught me some better strategies for dealing with the worst moments,  

I still have my moments and manage to monumentally piss off everyone around me and I've had some spectacular arguments (and some equally monumental silences) because of my reactions to comments and my sister hasn't spoken to me since April because  of another argument.

I admit I'm not an easy person to be around, I really struggle at times to be open with my emotions and in actually speaking to people. I have a social phobia that is not getting any better and people just don't know how to take me as a person.  It can take me a year to settle into a job, if I last that long.

So I started the year with a diagnosis of treatment resistant depression.  This I can handle - it puts a diagnosis on my endless depression. I now have proper and effective medication, a fairly level mood and some decent tools.

Roll forward to the end of November.  My GP gives me a copy of the psychiatrists latest letter.  I didn't look at it until the Saturday before my Appeal Tribunal hearing.  On it are 4 words that absolutely shattered me because it came without warning. The four words were a further diagnosis - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (aka Borderline Personality Disorder) 

Yep folks, its official.  I am certifiably nuts - I have the paper to prove it!  I can laugh about it now because in those 4 words, it's summed up the problems I've had all through my life from age 11 and up.  The only problem was that my psychiatrist had forgotten to tell me and my GP thought I knew.  They have both apologised profusely for the confusion and have explained what it means

So there it is - a year of trips to the psychiatrist, assorted doctors, therapy groups (and about to do a repeat to bed the ideas in properly). I'm under a power of attorney for my financial affairs because I was making a complete hash of them.  I have to have an advocate for the benefits stuff because I've can't deal with it properly. 

Apart from that life is a little rosier. Let's hope I can continue the progress forward.  I will admit I could not have made it this far without my friends and family.  I know I'm not the most demonstrative or nicest person at times but the help has been greatly appreciated.  So onwards and upwards for 2011

OK, this is not a stitching update but more a narrative of what happened yesterday.  Please feel free to laugh as it is so bizarre that you have to.

Yesterday morning I went up to my friends house to collect her two dog as I was looking after them while she and her fiance were at work. They only live 5 minutes from me and the dogs work well togethr so it is no problem for me. I just sit down and they amuse themselves by fighting over me and I just get more bruises.

So off I go to collect Rocky and Asha taking my own dog Phoebe with me - off lead as usual as no other dogs are around. Just as I get half way, my friend rings me to say that the Tesco deliver has gone to the wrong house and she is panicking. I then emerge from the footpath and direct the delivery man to the right address.  Phoebe has run ahead and gone into the house to see her friends.  This leaves me and said friend talking to the delivery man on the doorstep.  Because Phoebe couldn't see me and was behind the inner door, she panicked and whacked the door closed with her paw.  SHIT! 

We are now on the wrong side of a locked door with a demented and distressed dog frantic to get to me.  Looked at friend - she'd left her keys in the house so we were locked out!  Asked her of the patio door was unlocked.  Normally it would be but she'd just locked it as she was about to leave for work. I then said I would go back to my house to collect my helping hand tool to see if I could reach the keys inside the door.  Got back and she is stood in a sea of bags looking exceedingly stressed.  Her mobile phone was also in the house so we couldn't even ring her fiance to see if he is nearby to get him to let us in!  Double shit,  Helping hand does not reach and by this stage, the postman has arrived and is offering alternative means of entry.

We then decide that the only way to get in is to break the glass in the front door (10" by 8" panel) and then I can reach the inside of the lock and get us back in.  So I go breaking and entering - with a house brick. I have to be exceedingly careful as my dog is right under the piece of glass I have to break and she is going to get showered in shards of it.  I carefully broke the glass and opened the door.

First problem over.  We cleared up the glass and got the shopping in while the dogs got together and played,  I then told friend to go to work and that I would clear up and lock the house, taking the dogs with me.  off she went, then was back minutes later to set the burglar alarm.  Don't know why and I wasn't thinking straight by this point but somehow the alarm didn't set but went off instead.  So we then have to get all the dogs back in and try to reset the alarm or at least turn it off.

In the middle of this, all the dogs manage to get out of the house.  Rocky is terrified of loud noises and I had to hobble off after him to get him on a lead and home again with the other two trotting along behind me.  Luckily a passer-by caught him for me and he came back to me as I called.  So I get back with all three dogs to a shrieking burglar alarm. 

I send friend off to work again saying that I will deal with the alarm and everything else.  So I shoo her off again and start trying to deal with the dogs, the still shreiking alarm and a broken inside window.  Friend comes back in minutes, this time in hysterics as she has spoken to her fiance and explained the window and he went off the deep end a bit at her but she was already keyed up so it wan't exactly a surprise she finished up in a state.  She then phones her work and they tell her to stay put and deal with the problems.

So at this point I am listening to a shrieking burglar alarm, a hysterical friend, three barking dogs and thinking about how to fix the broken glass!  Brain went into meltdown at this point and refused to co-operate.

One cup of coffee later, we have a plan. The dogs have calmed down, the alarm switched itself off, friend has calmed down and my brain is still mush.  Friend then calls a couple of local glaziers to get the glass replaced.  Result - he arrived an hour later and his work was faultless. I bring the dogs back to my house so that glazier can work in peace. 

Another friend then calls and says he's on his way round with bacon and eggs and tells me he wants a bacon sandwich for lunch and would I like to join him.  Oh yes, Bacon and fried egg sarnies for lunch after the morning I've had are definitely nectar of the gods, especially when I don't have to cook them!  So by this stage, I've already had a sandwich at first friends, now second friend proceeds to help me produce two thick B&E sandwiches - each!

So we sit down and start eating with some very interested spectators - these dogs can all win medals for their shameless begging!  Friend then confirms he actually has pneumonia.  Arrgghhhhhhhh - what the **** is he doing out in freezing weather!  Send him off home to bed, where he still is with instructions to stay there until he feels a lot better than he does now. He was feeling grim by the time he left - I'm still not sure if it was my company that did that or not!

I am waddling at that point having eaten far too much so I opted to settle on the sofa until the dogs are collected, Just as friend 1 arrived, her two dogs were asleep on top of me so I got kicked around as they got off me. Say to friend as she was leaving that if her fiance has a go at her, to get me over to back up what actually happened.

By this stage both Phoebe and I are completely exhausted and in need of downtime in the peace and quiet. I have a colossal headache and every part of me is shaking with fatigue so I know I'm in big trouble with my ME.  Settle in to doze and recover.  Just after 5 I get a call to go up to talk to her fiance and explain that it was my dog that caused the problem etc...

Slowly hobble up there and explain what happens and fiance is sat there quietly laughing his head off at the absurdity of the events.  Then worst of all - it turns out he was 15 minutes up the road so could have come and let her in!!

End result is that I will hold a set of keys for their house along with the three sets I have in my handbag for assorted friends houses. I also have his phone number so that if any more disasters happen, I can contact him and he can contact me.  Future planning is fine - it's just the logical here and now we both struggle with.

Names are witheld to protect the innocent but they will probably give the game away on Facebook.  Just wait and see.  Love you all though!!!

 

A - Age:  Heading down the slope to a milestone

B - Bed size:  Double

C - Chore you hate:  Would be fairer to ask which I like

D - Dog's name:  Phoebe

E - Essential start your day item(s):  Coffee by the bucket load

F - Favorite color: Purple

G - Gold or Silver: Neither - titanium

H - Height: 6' 0" when I stand up straight

I - Instruments you play:  Does playing the fool count?

J - Job: Um - disabled couch potato

L - Living Arrangements:  Me, 1 dog and assorted visitors

M - Music you love: Almost everything except the modern rap, pop crap

N - Nicknames:  Bitch, Rosie, Ros

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth:   Lost count years ago - its a pretty regular thing and I hate it .

P - Pet Peeve:  Lack of responsibility.  

Q - Quote from a movie: "Do or not do There is no try"  Return of the Jedi.  

R - Right or left handed:  Proud leftie

S - Siblings: 1 sister

T - Time you wake up: When the sleeping pill wears off

U - Underwear: optional

V - Vegetable you dislike:  sprouts (veg of the devil) and almost all canned veg

W - Workout Style:  is that when you leave the building?

X - rays you've had: lost count - chest, belly, head, legs, shoulder arms, hands.

Y - Yummy food you make:  Something from the freezer

Z - The best place to visit:  My lovely comfy bed with a hot water bottle

Finally I've got around to a proper Sunday update. On a Sunday too! 

First up this week and it's Dutch Beast

t.  I hate to say it but the anarchist in Tante Bea has caused a sighting of *eek* orange.  I cannot confirm is this is a one off but watch this space as orange is the national colour of Holland as well as the ruling royal family!  As a nation, they are so very proud of it.  From football shirts to cycling shorts, if it can be orange, it will be.  Even the vuvuzelas for the World Cup were orange - except they are called toet-toets there!

Second update is a little more conventional if a lot larger.  The fourth house on Ostsee Mandala should be completed later this evening.

As you can see, the keyboard has gone as I have put the many Rhodes stitches in to the plinth of the house, as well as the ones around the edges of the house.  Once this house is done I'm moving back to working

on the Holland Springtime Mandala, hopefully working towards the finish on that one.

I'm also fighting the urge to start another big project.  Let's face I need another one of those like I need a hole in the head.  Little projects maybe.  There are some sweet Halloween ornaments that have my name all over them!

We're having a mixed time with the assorted animal in the family at the moment.  Mum's wonderful Shar Pei, Brando has a confirmed malignant tumour in his mouth and will have to be put t sleep imminently.  He's had a fantastic 5 years with them and this is a pretty bitter blow as he has the most sunny and even nature of any Shar Pei I have ever met.  He will be missed terribly. My friends Staffie, Frazer is also on the countdown to the Rainbow Bridge.  Despite looking fantastically healthy after his emergency prostate surgery last Christmas, his tumour has spread and it is only a matter of time.  So sad, but he is now 14.  He's slower, tires more easily but he is still as loving as ever. On top of that, my neighbours elderly GSD cross is also riddled with tumours but loving life so on he goes.

The upside is that I have a new admirer.  He loves me to bits and keeps pestering me all the time to love me.  I draw the line at a tongue being inserted in my ear though!  I'd better introduce you the 60lb love bomber (I have the bruises to prove it) - Rocky the bulldog!

Here is is with his best mate, Asha.  He looks so innocent here!  Sadly both Jodie and I know what mischief he gets up to.  Phoebe is very accepting of him, despite the fact that he thinks he owns me, not her so there tends to be a lot of jumping on me so I'm covered with bruises.  Asha is the complete opposite - calm, independent and aloof.  Rocky is just straight in.  No subtlety or grace - just a big solid lump of love. We now all walk together daily so Rocky gets his fix!   If Jodie reads this, I'm sorry for letting him roll in the foxes doo-doo this afternoon! He looked funny but stank!

I'm off for the evening, to work on Ostsee again and see how far I get before the sleeping pill kicks in!

Here is Mariann's RR  - Olwyn Horwood's Double Band Sampler - which is now en-route to Kay.  I thought it might go last week but I couldn't get to the Post Office and I had to frog out the entrelac top band three times as it would not meet up!  Four threaded needles being worked across the fabric a few stitches at a time finally saved my sanity but it was a close run thing for quite a while.

I pressed the piece before bagging it up and forwarding to Kay yesterday.

While it was going well, it was such a joy to work on!  I think it would be again with my mind set in a better place!

I've not got a lot of stitching done in the last few weeks for a whole slew of reasons. No whinging but there has been a lot of work to be done on my DLA appeal and I have still not done properly. It's gone in to the appeals system but it will need revision by my advocate when he gets back from his holiday.  I will be so glad hwn the entire process is over, one way or another.

The only other project I've managed to work on has been Ostsee Mandala.  sorry about the poor photo but the camera ran out of juice before I could get a better picture. Despite resembling a house with a keyboard under it, it is the final mansion in the design and has more done than this picture shows as there is quite a bit of white. Hopefully I'll get this finished this week.

But then again with my attention span and my other distraction this week, I may get diverted again!

The final project at the moment is a quilty one and is actually part of a quilt-along (QAL), like a SAL  for fabric. It's part of Fat Quarterly magazine (e-zine like Gift of Stitching) and there are quite a few of us taking part, It's taught me already that I need to re-mark where the 0.25" on my sewing machine and to send the search parties out for my seam rippers.  I had to frog out 23 blocks last night with scissors and it was not very comfortable. It's all done now and I've gotten 40 blocks completed this afternoon.  This is the link to the Flikr group for those curious enough to look http://www.flickr.com/groups/fatquarterly/  It's been an interesting trip so far and I look forward to seeing what happens next!

That's about it from here.  Phoebe has a new pair of friends Asha and Rocky.  Asha is lovely, placid collie labrador cross and Rocky is a very bouncy English/American Bulldog cross. I spent this morning quietly feeding Rocky his antibiotics as his owner was having trouble doing it.  Poor little boy has bad bronchitis and has a weeks worth of strong medicine but rough as he was feeling, he was still able to hit me on the face with his paw and pull my hair!  Despite all this, he now thinks of me has his new best friend. Phoebe got herself into trouble with the dog warden but its all sorted now and she has seen her much loved Staffie mate Frazer this week as Martin has been home. So that is about it from Chez Moi for this week

First out of the blocks this week is the eternally slow progress on Holland Springtime Mandala.  Three of the 8 tiles are now complete, 2 of the tulip borders are complete, one of the 4 big tulips is done and a chunk of the external border is done.

Still an awful lot to do and the clouds in two windows need frogging out as they are not supposed to be green but blue.  Then there are the beads..........

Now here comes a bit more on Ostsee despite the lack of silk!  This is the plinth of the 4th house and as this is all DMC, I can actually get this completed.  If I'm feeling brave or stupid, I can then try the over-one seagulls in each corner.

Finally, there is a new small start.  Only two colours are in so far but anyone care to guess what this wants to be when it grows up into a big project?

Apart from this little is happening.  Tracy has confirmed that the model I did for her is safely back in Washington State. 

I'm about to start on Marianne's round robin which is huge and beautiful. I just hope I can do it justice.

Oh and Mel's parcel arrived safely in Oz just before her birthday.

All is OK here with a happy dog and a noy very happy owner but I'm not here to moan.  Just lead more people astray...

At last, I have a quiet space where I can hide and sew and can leave everything out between sessions

.  The filing cabinet holds charts, thread boxes, project bags and fabric.  On the desk is all the normal stuff - cutter and mat, sewing machine, stereo, storage, plus any current fabrics and projects. 

Today A Canadian Journey is spread out and the process of finishing continues.  This is taking an age because of slight catastrophe with Ultra Heat n Bond last year (it's a permanent addition to my ironing board) that got me to lose heart. I've gone back and re-read the instructions and am underway once more. There are also a bunch of mounted finishes on the back of my desk waiting to go up on the wall. 

The ironing board is up permanently - it's not for ironing clothes though.  It's for pressing quilt pieces and getting the creases out of finished cross stitch prior to mounting. It's also at the right height so I can use it from my comfy office chair!  In the photo it also has the finished Neptune quilt top, a box of fat quarters, a towel and an almost complete Moda Swanky Jelly roll. I'm just so messy at times!

Under the desk is a bin, two huge toolboxes full of bits and three plastic boxes in which are stored: 1. cross stitch fabric, 2. UFO's and kitted projects and 3. finished projects.  Needless to say all of them are full.

There is more stuff to move up there yet and a whole cupboard almost completely empty so it will probably explode once all the goodies are inserted.

Best laugh is that all of this is going to have to come out again soon as Mum has bought me new flooring for the room to replace the skanky pink carpet already in there. Oak coloured laminate to go in there and it's in my hall waiting for help to arrive.  It will be fab once it is all done!

 

Without further ado, here is Holland Springtime in all its glory.

The lighthouse and its surround only took a week and the frame on the surround was correct first time.  All the previous ones took enormous amount of frogging and and equally vast amount of swearing.

Next up in the scheme of things is another session with the tiles and outer border

before swapping back onto Ostsee.  Brain did not connect at the time - I can actually stitch the last house as it is all DMC but cannot really go any further due to the ongoing silk/money shortage!  Oh and I can stitch half of the over one seagulls that are missing at the moment.

Egypt Garden has also had some work done on it.  There is now a fishie in the pond! I was nearly blind after doing it as this was just before I got my new reading glasses.

That's all for now!

After a long hiatus, I'm back.  I now have a working laptop again but the desktop has finally turned its toes after 9 years loyal service.  The motherboard finally gave out two weeks ago and I was technology-less until my beloved laptop was repaired.  I got it back yesterday and have spent a lot of time running updates and installing a new firewall/AV service as my McAfee licence expired this month.  That and wading through 700+ emails!  So now I have working Skype (luckily already had a headset), much to Mum's delight as we spent 30 minutes online this morning having a gossip.

So here is the update  with no computer, I've skated through projects.  Daytime TV here is beyond dre

adful and provided I pick my times carefully, I can spend more time in my new craft room upstairs,  I say pick my times carefully, I mean avoid a radio show host/journalist called Jeremy Vine who I could happily throttle everytime I hear him!

So from the top - the first

finish I forgot to photograph - a new model for Ink Circles which is currently winging its way home to Washington, triple wrapped, labelled, sealed and in a sealed bag that just dares US Customs to open it.  Should be arriving any day soon! 

Seco

nd up is Ink Circles Smell of Sulphur (above right).  This was a lovely quick stitch and even before the chart arrived, I knew that I had the perfect fabric tucked away for it.  The next finish was Ink Circles Twisted Heart which was even quicker.  I'm planning to do this at least once more in a completely different colour way.  

Fourth is Ink Circles Bright Idea (s

pot a theme here?) in Carries threads on a Jayne's Attic limited edition hand dyed fabric called Streets of Gold.  It looks miles better in real life. Was startled at how quickly this stitched up but I'm realising this may well have a lot more to do with my new reading glasses that stop my eyeballs from crossing everytime I stitch than having a turbo stitch boost button.

Fifth up is Sue Hillis' Boogie Fever.  I've wanted to do this for ages and kept getting put off by other project - but now it is done. Again it has been another quick stitch with bead substituting for the little stars in the background.

I've realised that every time I want to make a substitution or chage I'm pretty much guaranteed to have everything to hand to do it without buying new stash. I don't know whether to be embarassed or proud of this - let me have a little time to consider this.

Finally there is a really big finish - not a Chatelaine although

I've forgotten to photograph these as Egypt and Holland both have significant progress.  Final finish is a quilt.  This is the Scruffily pattern from PS I Quilt via Moda Bakeshop.  Really, really easy, with a simple fleece back, it has its binding on and I've already napped under it. That's about it really.  Contrary to what Mel thinks, I do sleep.  In fact I sleep a LOT and am back to having naps anywhere.  I've dozed off on a bus (twice), the sofa (most days), the bus stop, the last ACT session during relaxation, and to my utter shame in the prison visits hall two weekends ago.

The confession is that I finished the model on Monday 19th July and Boogie Fever this Tuesday 27th.  Bright Ideas finished 23rd, Twisted Heart 24th Smell of Sulphur 25th.  Yes I am embarassed and a teensy bit proud.  The quilt finished on 23rd but I was hand sewing the binding on over 4 evenings to break up the monotony.

I'm off for now and enjoy

I don't mean for this to sound like a whiny self-pity marathon but I'll get accused of it anyway so here goes

20 years ago, I was at university in the second year of a vocational qualification in Business and IT.  In the February, I contracted Glandular Fever aka Infectious Mononucleosis. I seemed to recover from the initial symptoms but still struggled to feel really well.  I got through my finals and just about passed but by the summer I was physically and mentally struggling.  I was falling asleep every afternoon and lacked the energy to do much at all. Mentally I developed depression for the first time in my life. I was scared witless that first summer as all sorts of weird stuff happened.  I was falling asleep everywhere, was suicidal for no apparent reason, any physical or mental effort left me reeling and there were no answers.  I was prescribed Prozac which turned me into a complete headcase and the depression never really left me.  After 2 years I had managed to get back into the workplace with mixed results, complete training and been to the doctors umpteen times.  One one visit with a young locum lit a light bulb. Her exact words were 'You seem to have had ME but you seem fine now'.  At last an answer. I'd had what was then thought of as Yuppie flu but I was fine now.

So I carried on.  Through some really bad times, falling out with family, living alone and struggling, gaining and losing jobs, yada, yada.... You get the picture.  All this time I was never really well.  It was all put down to depression - even when life was wonderful, I would be profoundly depressed and nothing ever eased it.  My social life dwindled to nothing as I was too tired to go out in the evening. A simple walk to town meant a long rest and a bus ride back.  I kept being told I was lazy so I took that message to heart and kept pushing myself harder. Stress of any sort left me run down and anxious, just making me sicker.

The last 7 years have been the worst of all with a steady decline in my mental and physical health.  Looking back, I have immense trouble remembering things that happened in the post-1990 period.  Strangely enough, up till 1990, things are crystal clear, after that it is oddly blurred.  Dates and event to pinpoint them are missing - a bit like a text book where the index is wring.  You simply can't find the information you want.  It's incredibly frustrating when trying to remember where you left something, remember a name or a face out of context.  Sometimes the information will arrive, hours or days later than you want it and often at the strangest moment. Physically, what I could do without thinking ten years ago are now a fond memory - walking any distance is painful and overdoing it as I did last Friday, leads to swollen joint and several days of pain.  The pain is occasionally the day I overdo things but more often it starts the following day and lasts for 2 days or more.  

I have rarely slept well in all that time.  I never wake up full of bounce.  I wake up in pain and it never fully goes away.  I frequently wake with a headache and sore throat.  It's been like this for so long I think this is normal. Standing up is a whole other story as it can lead to me fainting. It has led to me knocking myself out on one occasion.  At the moment I am sleeping really badly so wake up every two hours and have seen midsummer dawn so often in the last month it is obscene!

My muscles twitch and feel wobbly for no reason. When I walk, my legs feel like jelly and that feeling never goes. My arms feel the same.  Then there are the IBS type symptoms which can arrive out of the blue and lead to drowsiness, intense nausea, cramps and all the usual stuff that goes with it. I also have twitches in my eyelids when I get tired which are in the irritating end of the spectrum.

Three years ago, I finally got a referral to the ME/CFS service in Southampton.  They confirmed what we all suspected - I had full blown ME.  No treatment, no cure, not even a lot of research.  Despite being classed as a neurological disease, the only treatments offered in the UK are CBT and Graded Exercise Therapy (GET).  Tried GET and it made me worse.  CBT is theoretically possible but shows no real results in most ME patients and there is no funding.

So after 17 years I have a confirmed diagnosis, a GP who does not really believe ME is an illness but laziness with a pseudo diagnosis and I am struggling to hang onto a job that I love but I am pretty incompetent at fulfilling..Crunch point was fast approaching.  I finally admitted defeat work wise just over 2 years ago.  I should have stopped a lot earlier but without a diagnosis, I didn't stand a chance and would have been branded workshy.  The fact I could not concentrate, hold a conversation or write a sentence seems to pass the employment experts by.

I look like Caspar most days, with huge black bags under my eyes - OK, Uncle Fester from the Addams Family is closer to the mark but less appealing! I never know from one day to the next how I will feel.  I cannot make plans as I never know if I will be well enough to do them and I don't like letting people down.

I need to go food shopping urgently.  At present I have no car so it means a trip by bus to get to the shops three miles away.  The bus stop is a ten minute walk away and will exhaust me.  Then I have to get on the midget bus and frequently have to stand for the entire trip into town because people are so pig ignorant here. Then I have to walk to the shop, walk round the supermarket, walk back to the bus stop, stand up for 15 minutes or so because the old folks have annexed all the seats, get on the bus with the shopping, hope to find a seat and then another 10 minutes walk to get back to my house. I'm exhausted from the first walk to the bus stop, let alone the rest of it.  I do it because I have no choice and no car, During the fine weather I can at least have a couple of rests on the seats in the town centre - unless the old farts have annexed them.  During the cold and wet I just have to sit on the same benches getting cold and very wet. Yet I am, apparently, according to the Department of Work and Pensions not ill at all just fat.  I actually have the 'doctors' report to prove this last statement!

So here I sit fighting to prove I am ill in the Government's eyes because they do not want to pay me the benefits I need to live life.  At the moment I am existing.  I want to do more.  I want a quality of life that I cannot achieve at the moment. Taking my car away from me this week was miserable.  I knew it was going to happen.  I was ready,  It just leaves me in essence housebound.  I don't have a carer, I can't afford the shopping service and until the Disability Living Allowance appeal is heard life is not going to improve a lot.

Sounds negative huh?  I have only one life to live, I'm doing it the best I can but I really could do without the benefit issues. I will survive as the song goes and I will achieve, just not what I originally wanted.  The depression is and always will be a part of my life.  I can't get rid of it and it does not define me.It is just part of a misunderstood and invisible illness.

End of rant

First up, here is an update on Dutch Beast.  This made the journey out to Mum's last month so got worked on both in Holland and Belgium.  This was the project of choice for me to work on while say in the shade while the rest of the crowd were burning to a crisp while model yachting at a public recreation lake in Ghent.  It was much admired when two Belgian stitchers caught me and then realised I was English (think my pidgin-Vlaams gave the game away).

Anyway, no Beast tale this time as my brain is too fried to try creative English!

Holland Springtime Mandala also travelled abroad on holiday and is the only project to have been worked on in the car, on the boat and in France as well as Holland.

Since I took this photo, I have stitched the last frame outline and should finish the final vignette of a lighthouse tonight or tomorrow.  Then onto the tulips and tiles.  This does look really special in the flesh and should be pretty spectacular when finished, I've gotten the back stitch on where possible but all the special stitches are having to wait until the bitter end like the beads.

A quick finish for this week to lift my mood - another Sue Hillis Pirate.  these are such fun to stitch and quick to complete.  I've now run out of fabric so I can't do any more in the series until something gives.  I really want them all to be on the same Zweigart Vintage Mocha as it is perfect for them.

I've still got two more charts in the series to stitch plus any new ones she comes out with.  I just love them for being quirky and funny,  Even my psychiatrist thought this one funny!

Finally, here is the present position with Egypt Garden, although I love the fabric, I'm now really wishing I'd gotten it on 28ct instead of 32ct.  It's a bit of a bitch seeing the holes.  I'm really hoping my new reading glasses will help when I pick them up on Friday.

That's all for now folks - unless there is something I've forgotten

This is a little stitching update for a change.  I've actually worked on 4 projects but have only remembered to photograph one of them which makes me a brain-dead dolt! I now have a well travelled Chatelaine or two.  Holland returned to her inspiration and got worked on a lot.  Egypt also went with me along with Dutch Beast and another Sue Hillis pirate

I spent most evenings and the odd afternoon working on this while at Mum's so ended up getting quite a lot done.  Most of the tulip border and all of the first tile.  I can't put in the specialist stitches and accents as they will be damaged as I complete the other sections but there is still a long, long way to go on this!

Hopefully I'll phptograph the rest and post a furtherr update tomorrow and perhaps a holiday review

I've had to pack away Ostsee now for a few weeks for a couple of reasons.

One is that I am about out of two colours of silk and due to the parlous state of my finances, I cannot afford to get more immediately.

The second is that this is on colossal Q snaps and I am away on a holiday thing this weekend so I need to take more portable projects.

So here is Ostsee as of this evening.  One house to go, a bit of border and two more bits of beach corners and then working out how to apply the last beads and crystals without crushing them.

I now have a new passport with photo that makes me look like a psychotic hunchback. There is a whole long story about how that came about but not here and now.  My driving licence is at Swansea being updated to a photo licence and I am praying it comes back before Friday. I have the Euro healthcard, the car insurance is dealt with, a keepers document is requested and we leave on Friday afternoon to stay with Mum.

I cannot tell you how stressed I am by the whole process.  I don't travel well in company, I'm entering an already fraught situation over there and I am broke. I don't handle stress or emotions at the best of times so with no physical outlet, the stress is coming out in all sorts of ways I thought I'd left behind,

The anticipation is probably worse than the reality but we'll see.  I'm trying so hard not to get anxious but it is very much an uphill struggle for me.  Wish me luck, I so have to wear my public mask and not let it slip.